The battle of guilt and finding forgiveness

Forgiving someone is a very difficult thing to do, especially when that person is yourself. When we mess up or we do something wrong, this instinct called guilt kicks in usually not too long after we've done something wrong. When it comes to being guilty, it often feels like what you've done is too much for God to forgive you.I know I've been feeling this lately; I've been struggling with overcoming an eating disorder. Just a few short months ago I ate no more than 700 calories a day and I did detoxes and tried everything I could to lose weight. I started at a healthy weight for my body I am 5'3" and I weighed 125 pounds. Once I began not eating I lost weight very quickly I went from 125 to 112 in a matter of weeks. I don't think anyone knew how bad my not eating was because I didn't tell anyone. I'm not particularly sure what "sparked" the not eating but one day I guess I just thought I would just lose a couple pounds but it became and addiction. Recovery is probably one of the more difficult things I have had to endure but I have started eating again and I work out every day and I am trying to get healthy without gaining too much weight from eating again. I confessed and told a few people about my eating disorder, including a couple of my youth leaders, one of which had struggled with anorexia herself and has overcome it. I did not tell my family or friends about my disorder, although I am pretty sure my mom already knew. My mom is my best friend and not telling her hurt because I knew that if she knew she would be more than willing to help me recover but I also assumed that she would be very upset with me which isn't fair of me to assume. I struggle with this a lot, when I hide something I become depressed and lose my sense of judgement. Not too long ago I sent things like pictures and words to boy that I shouldn't have sent and I got wrapped up in the attention they were giving me. Once again I'd forgotten who I was. I am guilty of the sins I've made and dealing with things I shouldn't be. In Colossians 1:20 it says "20 and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross. 21 This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions." The second part of guilt is figuring out how to forgive ourselves for what we've done. This step is often very difficult for me to overcome. I often don't know how to forgive myself for what I have done even though I know God has already forgiven me. I am still working on it but I will be alright. I am guilty but I know that I am forgiven and loved, and I hope you realize that too.

god's glorious visions

hey guys, I haven't written in a while...I apologize for that. Here's whats new, I have been doing leadership for my youth group at church. I have been doing it for 2 months now and I absolutely love it! It has made me much more brave than I ever was before! In the middle of feburary, we went to winter camp where I experienced the holy spirit moving in my life more than ever before. He spoke to me and gave me a vision to start a christian club at my highschool. At winter camp there was a girl named jael in my room and she is a sophmore like me and she happens to go to my school. (crazy thing is that I have been going to youth group for about 5 or 6 years and I had never met her and there are only 4 sophmores in our entire youth group and there are only about 5 or 6 people who go to Jackson highschool) Jael and i got to talking and we realized god was weighing the same thing on both of our hearts! He wanted us to start a chrisitan club at our school. The more Jael and I talked the more we relized that this was what we needed to do to majorly changes lives in our school. God is great! So now we are working hard to get the club started. I can't wait to see what God does through us in our school!!!! let me know how all you guys have been doing! I'd love to hear from you with any prayer requests, encouraging stories or even if you just need a new friend email in at Michaelaw98@gmail.com. you can add me on instagram @caylie_willis and snapchat at caylie13